Well, brace yourself for revenge of the nerds, because this soft-spoken loner is smart, sincere and will genuinely be nice to you.
If you haven’t given a second look to the guy that looks like your former Chemistry tutor, perhaps you should delve deeper into this untapped resource.
Every time I teach, I learn; I think maybe this time I tipped the balance too far in the direction of instruction. You and your honey might spend years seeking out the ideal couple to form the perfect quad, while your best friend and her boyfriend have been working up the nerve to ask you out for months. Love is not tit for tat; it’s not a pie with only so many pieces to go around; and it’s not there just to beef up your ego. As a poly person, your responsibility toward right relationship doesn’t end when you have an orgasm or when you drop your date off at the door. It means figure out how to talk about sex with all your partners. Conceivably, your sexual choices could affect dozens of other people… It upsets people – some of those people may include your parents, your friends, your work colleagues, members of your religious or spiritual groups, your kids, and more. It’s not that personals sites or matchmaking are a bad idea…
I’ve been dating a person for almost 3 months, and he is terrific and lovely. I know we’re both currently not seeing anyone else.
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So for the first time, I actually sat down and wrote out the elements that I believe to be essential to doing good non-monogamy. “Middle-aged married couple – he’s heterosexual, she’s bi-curious – seeks hot young bisexual woman with double-D boobs who likes giving head, available every second weekend and the occasional Wednesday night.” Does this sound familiar?
It’s not so much a question of the specifics – how many lovers, how often to see them, etc. I used my ten rules to re-create my poly workshop, and tried out the new formula for the first time this weekend. Lots of people have an idealized vision in their minds. It’s a philosophy of moving through the world that’s about plurality, generosity and giving, and guess what – it goes way beyond your Friday-night date. The best people show up when we’re just going about our business, doing good things in life, being happy, and being generous.
That being said, once I started thinking about it and having conversations with various brilliant friends and colleagues, I began to realize that I actually do have pretty strong opinions about what needs to happen in order for non-monogamy to be a healthy and happy experience, instead of being a hornet’s nest of drama and pain.
Underneath all of those odd hobbies and quirky friends, these men can not only hold a conversation, but they also champion a woman with an education, a large vocabulary and a mind of her own.